From Torpe to Pamamanhikan: The Unique Journey of Filipino Courtship
Exploring the essence of Filipino romance, from shy glances to wedding bells.
Pakipot: when you like him but tradition says ‘make him work for it'.
Filipino courtship is one of a kind. It’s a blend of old-fashioned romance, a touch of drama, and a big dose of family involvement. The traditional Filipino courtship is a carefully choreographed dance of customs that make falling in love both thrilling and a little complicated.
From torpe (being too shy to confess their feelings) to pakipot (playing hard to get) and pamamanhikan (seeking a family’s blessing), Filipino romance follows its own set of unwritten rules. And then there’s the confusing stage of Mutual Understanding (MU)…
Let’s take a closer look.
The Torpe Phenomenon
Torpe is a guy who wants to confess his feelings but simply can’t bring himself to do it.
Torpe guys are the ones who:
Harbor feelings for someone for months but never muster the courage to say a word.
Get visibly nervous and awkward around their crush.
Overthink every move until the moment passes them by.
And there’s the classic torpe move - ligaw tingin (courting by looking). It’s that deep, longing stare from across the gap, the kind of gaze that is loaded with emotions but never leads to a conversation. It’s basically a strategy of "admiring from a distance".
If there’s one song that captures the agony of being a torpe, it’s "Torpedo" by Eraserheads. It’s practically an anthem for all the guys suffering in silence, drowning in the misery of their own unspoken feelings.
Ligaw Tingin: admiring from afar, confessing never.
Back in my day, before the digital age until the point when it was just dawning, being torpe was a greater struggle because expressing feelings required raw courage. There were no texts, no DMs, just nerve-wracking face-to-face encounters and handwritten love notes.
Today, torpe guys have technology on their side. Messaging apps, memes, reaction emojis and TikTok confessions have made it easier to drop hints without the immediate fear of rejection. Lucky them!
The Art of Pakipot
Pakipot refers to a woman who takes forever to say yes, even when she obviously likes the guy. It’s the Filipina art of playing hard to get.
In the past, women were expected to be modest and reserved, making an immediate “yes” out of the question. A little resistance was necessary to preserve the dignity. Even if she liked the guy, she had to act uninterested for some time before eventually giving in.
Fast forward to today and pakipot is still around but in an evolved form. Instead of waiting weeks or months to say yes, a modern-day version might look like these:
Taking hours to reply to messages (even if she’s online).
Saying "Ewan ko" (I don’t know) when asked about her feelings even when she totally knows.
Dropping subtle hints but never admitting anything outright.
While pakipot can be cute at times, it can also be frustrating. Some may like the playful pursuit, but in today’s world of instant messaging and fast replies, others may just prefer to cut to the chase.
The Gray Area of Mutual Understanding (MU)
Filipinos have a soft spot for a good love story with suspense. That’s probably why there is the existence of that enigmatic phase of Mutual Understanding (MU) - that delicate space akin to the mysterious Bermuda Triangle. Many enter, but not all make it out.
Here, the connection is clear and emotions are undeniable, yet certainty remains elusive. Couples find themselves adrift in an uncharted sea of stolen glances and lingering text messages, unsure whether they are sailing toward a defined relationship or simply circling in an endless current of ambiguity.
One wrong move, one misread signal, and the entire dynamic could vanish - just like the lost ships in the infamous triangle. And so, the question remains: “Mag-on na ba tayo o hindi?” (Are we officially together or not?).
For some, MU is an exciting stage filled with kilig (giddy) moments. For others, it’s a confusing limbo that tests patience. In today’s dating scene, more people are starting to move away from this vagueness and leaning toward clarity.
But hey, Filipinos love a slow-burn romance so don’t expect MU to disappear anytime soon.
The Pamamanhikan
For the lucky couples who navigated and survived the nuances of torpe, pakipot and MU - there’s one final step before marriage: Pamamanhikan.
Rooted in deep respect and family involvement, pamamanhikan is the formal act of the groom and his entire family visiting the bride’s home to officially ask for her hand in marriage. It’s a full-fledged event, often involving a feast, lengthy discussions, and sometimes even a little negotiation. It’s often considered an absolute step before a wedding could take place, as it symbolizes the groom’s sincerity and commitment, not just to his bride-to-be but to her entire family.
The Filipino Pamamanhikan is like proposing but with your family looking.
While this might seem old-fashioned in a time where many couples now make their own decisions, pamamanhikan still happens today in many Filipino families.
Some do it out of respect for tradition, while others embrace it as a chance for both families to bond before the wedding. And in true Filipino fashion, what starts as a formal gathering often transforms into a lively affair, filled with laughter, endless storytelling, and enough food to feed an entire barangay.
The Modern Take
While the traditions and characteristics aforementioned still exist, Filipino courtship has definitely changed. With dating apps, social media, and a more open-minded generation, romance has evolved.
Many Filipinos now prefer straightforward conversations about feelings instead of the pakipot and torpe dynamics.
Online dating is normal. Gone are the days when meeting someone online was considered sketchy. Today, dating apps are bridging distances, helping Filipinos find love even across islands.
For some, family involvement has also shifted. While family remains a strong pillar in relationships, many couples now take more control over their choices without depending entirely on full family approval.
Filipino Courtship Abroad
The Filipino-style courtship might not always translate well when dating non-Filipinos, particularly in cultures that emphasize direct communication and independence in relationships.
In many Western settings, playing pakipot for too long might be seen as disinterest rather than charm or modesty, and a torpe guy will certainly quickly lose his chance. Similarly, the concept of MU could be confusing for someone who is accustomed to clear relationship labels like “dating” or “exclusive.”
That said, core Filipino values like lambing (affection), alaga (deep care), and the strong focus on family remain universally appealing to non-Filipinos who appreciate warmth and commitment in a partner. At the end, it’s all about finding the right balance of adapting to new cultural norms while still keeping the heart of Filipino romance alive.